What I've learnt in my journey as a living thing on earth...

Random update

2011-10-22T01:20:00.003+08:00

It's been ages since I last blogged. *foooooooo~ Blows dust off*

What was life about for the last 9 months? Study, study, study.
Lectures, projects, study, lectures, projects, study, study, study...

TIRED!

Changes. Time. Perspectives. Journeys.
The multiple issues of life.

Step by step.
Bit by bit.
Day by day.

I grow.
I struggle.

Differences.

Letting go.

Releasing is deriving.
Holding on is losing.
Contradictions.
One after another.
Man-made ironies.

Moving away.
Getting over.
One trial after another.
Not fun at all.
Not funny too.

Expecting more of it.
Thorns amidst the roses.

Random time of the year

2011-05-03T01:48:00.002+08:00

A good 4-5 months have passed since I last updated. How's life been for me? Well, I must say, life is good and kind to me, despite all the storms and unnecessary problems. At least I'm still in one piece, and that is something that I'm definitely thankful for.

You see the difference between the ramblings of a teenager, who started this blog at age 17 perhaps, and a semi-adult now. As I grow older, I find myself having to fight more and more like an undisputed wrestler. Fighting to be stronger, to be happier, to stop being affected by the negativities in my surroundings, to be myself, to make my opinions known.

Yet at the very same time, I fight myself to be less strong so that I can still be sensitive enough to care for others, to not be overly optimistic about things so that I will not be overly disappointed when things fail,to be a hardy self that can take on the knocks and blows of life, to keep my thoughts to myself so that I don't affect others with my own negativities.

The funny balance of life brings me into my very next stage. I am thankful for being able to understand from many people about life's difficulties and thus, I am able to come to terms with myself that, everyone has their own difficult chapter and there is no need to envy the better for their achievements or jeer at the worse for their mistakes.

Life could be an enjoyment if we learn to fight away the things that make us unhappy. It could be good if we learn to develop our own capabilities and give instead of take. It could be even better if we learn to receive from others after we learn how to give. Giving is a joy while receiving ascertains it.

There are times where doubt never fails to make you falter. If only we could learn how to believe in ourselves and stand firm in these beliefs. These doubts, these fears, these miseries are only temporary. When the day comes where they no longer have a reason to exist, they disappear.

The love of life, the trials and tribulations that give us the motivation to carry on this struggle; do they make us stronger and all the more, give us the ability to love? Or do they actually make us stronger people but hard at heart, making us capable of hating the world? Regardless which category one ends up falling into, you know they still became stronger.

Love is sacrifice and you know you loved, when you sacrificed. No room for regrets, no room for blames, be it the love for your friends, family or close partners. Be not ashamed for the ability to love, because there are plenty who never knew how, as well as many who lost the ability to. Be not afraid to be hurt, because you may not find the same love with another person again.

This summarizes the past four months. As I embark the journey into the next phase of my life, I am grateful for all the angels who have been around me. Those who gave me strength and prayed for me, as well as those who believed in me, and those who didn't give up on me. For all the devils who existed to make my life difficult, I'm grateful too, because you helped me identify the angels and most importantly, you made me a stronger person.

Moving forward...

2011-01-18T22:49:00.002+08:00

一转眼，过了好几个月。时间又再次像风一样，把我们的缘份吹得像落叶一样，撒落了一地。是该赶紧将它们一片片地捡起来，还是任由下一阵风把它们越吹越远呢？未来的路，我该怎么走下去？有时就不敢想，就沿着两年前铺好的路继续走。走到无路可走了才来考虑下一步怎么办。

也许我不该想太多。时间是很宝贵的。不该浪费在不该浪费的人与事上。功课最近开始多了。学校就好像在让我们跑一百米短跑似的。要我们在短短的两个月内把所有的东西都学会，做好和交上。天啊！快疯掉了。暂时，没有办法去想别的。也许这也是一件好事。在忙忙碌碌中也找到了一些小小的快乐。就算只是在公园静坐十五分种，或是在回家的途中望着天上的那唯一一颗星星，也是一种快乐。

有些问题无论是做什么决定都不对。有些东西经历过了就会越来越难从来。而心里总是不能把畏惧抛开。总是担心个什么什么的。也有些事非常不合逻辑。答案明明很清楚，但怎么就是说不出来，就连想也好难想。用心想，脑却闹别扭。用脑想，心却烦闷着。两者一起想，等于内战。

拥有不一定是全部，失去不代表遗憾。没把握的仗我不打。没能力给的，我也不会说可以。宁愿保存也不愿再次损伤。

Stronger than yesterday

2010-12-14T01:21:00.003+08:00

A poem for all:

Title: DEAR PHOTOGRAPHER
By: Michelle Regina Lee

No, the beauty of the world lies in darkness.
The laughter and the joys of life in gentleness.
Ha! In time, in time, all in emptiness.
Me, me, but a spark in the spangled universe.

I find myself in joy but yet misery,
to face myself honestly; what I wish and refuse to be.
The truth is I never knew who am I,
the fact is I did not know what am I.

The grief of living,
the relief of death.
The sign by resurrection,
the emergence of life.

You, I, see in front of me,
a soul of weary, a tale so deep.
Yet I find no means to save,
as I only destroy and not tame.

The graveness of our time,
drive spirits down the chime.
Oh, how massive the struggle,
to keep from drowning in grime.

The beauty of the world lies in darkness,
of sin and sorrow and perfect blindness.
Yet the secrets of the world lies in perfect lies,
that none shall not answer when none shall ask.

It's cold and we shiver,
in the freeze we may wither.
Keep your gaze on the glimmer of light,
I'm sure you will be alright.

As for me, I shall not care.
for I never knew the glory beyond despair.
My life, I did not compare,
to the legend of the fundamental pair.

Singular, plural, what a bunch of rules.
They each have their own crap and clues.
Alas, the world is full of hues,
contrasts, darkness, shadows and dews.

Once again, I'm in my blues,
poetry, music and the colored cues.
That, I created my little world,
to sink in and do a little twirl.

新的开始

2010-11-16T21:46:00.002+08:00

近年来，起伏真的不少，领悟也多了。
有时，快乐不长久，并不代表什么都没有。快乐也许就应该是短暂的。如果快乐没有结尾，那么又和平常与不快乐有什么不同呢？人们常说，要好好珍惜眼前的事物，开心就好，知足常乐。这句话可以是开心的原因，也可以是不开心的原因。

得不到的，永远是最好的？还是拥有的，永远不够好？是该接受本性自然就是自私地喜新厌旧，还是该希望是还没或没机会遇到对的那一个呢？希望是一种推动力，它使人往前走，去追寻梦想，去捉拿未来给予的机会。没有了希望，就等于没有了生命。无论是谁都好，不要让他从你生命中抹灭你对人生的希望。你可以爱一个人，不过不能让他掌管你的人生和思想。也许这样为自己的生活负责才算是爱。能够依赖一个人的感觉很好。能够全心全意相信一个人的感觉也很好。不过要到达那种境界，似乎比登天还难，更不用说想要长久地拥有。

Pain

2010-10-04T02:01:00.001+08:00

Have you ever met someone who brings joy to your life like never before? To make you smile and giggle even when you are in your dreams? That person probably didn't stay very long in your life. Such a person is seemingly like the rainbow after the rain. It existed because of some miraculous interceeding of water particles and light. It is not everyday that we find ourselves coming across a rainbow, just like it is not everyday that we find ourselves someone special. Perhaps fate allows people the chance to come together, to create memories together, to love and enjoy each others' company. But fate also draws away the chance to continue a beautiful life script.

Life is a choice, with many massive choices within. With these choices, we find ourselves flipping directions like a coin transcended in mid air. Where do we land and where do we face with our next decision? Who do we keep and who do we sacrifice? How much pain can we take as we move on to the next decision? The emotional tension can simply be unrelenting in unexplanable ways, toiling on one's self control and sanity.

Why are we so caught up with all these emotions and pain? Why do these memories come back to haunt like homeless spirits? At times, we make painful decisions to the best that we can, trying to salvage whatever is left, trying to be least selfish. But yet, in the eyes of others, it will always be insufficent, it will always be flawed. Just what must be done so that all will be happy? What sort of perspectives must we hold in order to make the best decision at the most critical time?

Theories, rules, practices. Do they matter at the very end of time? With love comes sacrifice, with sacrifice comes pain, with pain comes tears, with tears, comes the hope to see the rainbow after the rain. What is there to say in the end? Nothing. The blatent truth of being a human: we have nothing at all.

Save the memories. Let them be the rainbow after the rain. Let the pain be a form of strength for your future endeavours. And tears be the antiseptic for a bleeding heart.

Go then, dear friend, you are beautiful as it seems. A pity, the time span is as short as, dawn to dusk. Like Cinderella, the fairy tale enfolds, when the clock strikes 12, the story ends and life as it seems, is like being taken through a time machine back to where everything started. I am glad we met, and this gave me the strength to carry on, to always remember that there is someone at one end of the world who cares enough to get mad with a shattered heart. You have given back all that you need to. From now on, be free.

Uncertainty.

2010-09-20T00:01:00.002+08:00

There were many times I felt like giving up. The many things in life that we take for granted, sometimes, it is simply unjustified. How about the many mind games we play? Is there a valid reason for it? Games are supposed to be fun. The line should be drawn at the point where it is no longer fun. What about the untrue assumptions that we make about people and things around us? How do we know how untrue these assumptions are? Or how do we know if these assumptions are true?

Life is a joke, not to be taken seriously. Disappointments simply wake people up big time. Wake up to listen. Listen with your heart to what people really needs and wants, not to listen to what you think is good for people and what you think is what things should be like. Some said, there is a reason for everything. Others said, we can never control our environment. Many more said, what goes round comes round. Look at yourself and look at what is happening. Which do you think is happening? Who are you trying to fool, who are you trying to kid?

Darkness is seen in the presence of light. Light without darkness shall not be called light. Shrouded perspectives are what makes us and everything around us. How can we ever claim we know for sure what is going on? These uncertainties are so inevitable though.

Holding on can get really difficult when you don't know what you are really holding on to. The question is, is it worth holding on? Looking back, front, left and right, up and down, in and out of myself. Day in day out I am doing that but yet I get no answer. I stay afloat but yet, without direction. Like a ship with an anchor, I stood my ground about what I don't want. But like the tides and currents shifting its direction, I have no idea what I really want.

With such, I shall end this post to consider about the bigger things of life.

Away from Myself.

2010-07-31T02:32:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Due to time constraints and such, I've dedicated my time to both working and studying while maintaining my music lessons. When one is not really in a reflective state, there's simply no inspiration to write. But I promise to write more about random occurances and happenings that gets my attention.

I think back about the beginnings of this humble little space that I have and sometimes, I still smile to myself how seemingly nonsensical we all seem when we started jumping onto the bandwagon of blogging. Back then we were naive little kids, thinking the world is a beautiful little carnival. I have no idea about the many others out there but I realise that as time goes by, this little space that I possess is actually very important to me. No matter how dead everything is, there seems to be a need to resurrect it at some point or other.

As our perspectives are widened and sadly, darkened by the new experiences that we took on, we are perhaps, unable to produce works that are like before. The vibrant colours, the simplistic cartoon drawings of 'stick-man', doodles of he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not and that whole bunch of teensy stuff that we do in those days, brings a nostalgic wave of emotions to me.

Moving on, these little memories seem more and more hidden deep inside me. As life gets pelted with more and more controversies, those sweetness could only be tucked at the back of my mind. Perhaps the greatest understanding that I could ever have is what I've learnt in OT lessons. It is strange but true. Despite being unable to spell out half the terms that were used, the concepts stay stuck to my mind. Perhaps this is the truth that I am looking for. Perhaps these are the answers that I need and the paradoxes as well as ironies of life. How then, will my next phase of life emerge as? How then, can I put my questions to rest?

Life is changing, right at this very moment.

Time.

2010-06-28T02:29:00.004+08:00

-Time-
Time is mysterious.
It contains the ability to push and pull,
to change and evolve.
It makes the world spin and turn,
it brings the world unending movements.

Time and again, we say it happens.
Time flies, we say when speed plays a role.
Time heals, we say when we forget our old injuries.
Time steals, when we do not even notice.

Time is precious, when we are so busy.
Time is money, when we work like crazy.
Time machine, a part of our imagination.
Time tells, what the future will bring.

The old says: time is running out.
The young says: time is on our side.
What do you say?
When you are young,
and growing old,
all at the same time?

2010年6月17日，晴

2010-06-17T21:52:00.003+08:00

不知为何，忽然心血来潮，感触良多，很想下笔。
近几个月，我恢复得很快，也不知从何时开始，被解放了。
是罪被赦免了，还是终于熬过去了呢？
我很开心，是发自内心的快乐，而不再是憋着一肚子气脸上硬撑着笑的虚假快乐。
人生很奇怪，真真假假，假假真真，
我看到了好多好多不同的‘心’，也明白了很多未曾看过的事理。
对事物的好奇让我发现了自己。

一个人远远走了一段路，途中经历的事真的数不清。
我非常庆幸自己就像被上帝捧在手心里的小宝贝，虽然很渺小，拥有的却那么多。
也许是命中注定我该走这条路，在误打误撞中学习。
在黑暗中比较容易找到光，在艰辛中才认得出幸福的摸样。
天使，神仙，上帝等，往往不是以亮丽光彩的颜容展现在我们的面前。
要认出好坏，不容易。必须要有一颗坦诚的心。
如果自己连对自己诚实的能力都没有，那怎么看得到是非黑白？

在这段日子里，我学会了放下所有的不安，
从何年何月累积起来，重重的不安，在别人眼中看到的责备与憎恨，
我已经全部放下了。
年少无知，还是年少轻狂？一切也慢慢地过去了。
不只开始了解自己要的是什么，也开始懂得自己不要什么。
学会牺牲也许是最难的一个过程，但也是最有纪念价值的。
先斩后奏少了，委婉处事多了，认真也会了，玩笑也知了，原谅也懂了。

在暗的我，看到了在明发生的事。
我很感激，因为我了解了每个步骤的含义。
在以后的日子里，学习一样会是我人生的主题曲。

Looking on the bright side.

2010-06-02T22:19:00.003+08:00

I have been starring at this space for the past 2 hours. Blogging block. Shit.

Results are going to come out tomorrow. What kind of results will I get this semester? I don't dare to be too optimistic about it this time. It is a shaky semester and I just hope I can pass.

Sigh. One word for you: Moody.

Anger and such.

2010-05-19T22:01:00.003+08:00

This is something that I came across quite a few years ago, when I was working as a sales assistant at OP. As floor people, we have direct contact with customers and sometimes they just get on our nerves. So they had this stuck this up in our storeroom, the place where we often enter to curse and swear silently at idiotically difficult customers:

莫生气

人生就像一场戏，因为有缘才相聚。
相扶到老不容易，是否更该去珍惜？
为了小事发脾气，回头想想又何必？
别人生气我不气，气出病来无人替。
我若气死谁如意？况且伤神又费力！
邻居亲朋友不要比，儿孙琐事由他去。
吃苦享乐在一起，神仙羡慕好伴侣。

This is a song that I used to hear in Karaoke when I was much younger. Thought that it sounds very nice though it is in dialect.

怎样？

2010-05-15T02:02:00.002+08:00

Some songs that we sing at Kbox. They have nice lyrics too.

黑白配

一个像夏天一个像秋天

-简单，又怎样？-
一个人要了解多少才能说相信？
一杯酒要喝多少才懂得干苦？

一片落叶要收多久才能带有思念？
一阵风要吹几遍才能化解忧愁？

诗词简单得体，不必深奥过人，
意思深浅轻重，以读者最清。

不易之汇若无人了，一点含义也没有，
带句带词带比画，描述世界多变化。

New Skin.

2010-05-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

Finally, after so long, I've got a new skin!
Was trying to look for a blue one, but I stumbled upon this rainbow coloured one, so I decided on this, since I haven't tried anything like this before.

I've maintained this blog for close to 6 years perhaps? Will keep it going. It's probably my most faithful listener, journal, diary, music/video player, photo gallery and doodlebook all in one. Love it to bits.

Anyway, exams over! I am currently going through all the things that I've put on halt due to exams to see which are the ones that I want to do first...

Till next time~ :D

Forgiveness.

2010-05-04T00:14:00.007+08:00

Life is like a see-saw.
Sometimes we are up, sometimes we are down.

Sometimes we are hurt by others, sometimes we hurt others.
When we are hurt by others, we scream and shout,
audibly or deep within our souls.
When we hurt others, we pretend we didn't hear anybody scream and shout.

How many are willing to apologise for wrongs?
How many willing to rectify faults?
How many willing to end the process of vengeance,
and start the process of forgiveness?

It takes greater strength to stop hurting others,
than for one to keep the hatred ball rolling.
That is why we glorify the works of Saints and righteous people,
and forget about all the evil ones.

Sometimes we are not capable of doing perfectly good things,
but at least we tried our very best.
Some effort is better than none,
like it is better late than never.

If we were perfect, we wouldn't be here,
it is because we are here, we are learning to be perfect.
One finds peace in forgiving,
rather than in endless conniving.

Life can be hard, damn bloody hard,
but if we forget about the things we can't have,
and accept the things that bloom beautifully just for us,
life is good, damn good.

Then the see-saw tilts again,
the ups and downs of living,
the cycles of hurting others, being hurt by others,
forgiving others and being forgiven by others goes on and on.

There are perhaps possibilities for the cycle to stop.
One is to follow the principle behind the paradox that Mother Teresa presents to us:
"if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love",
thus the see-saw attained complete balance in mid air.
Two is to be - six feet underground.

Exam Period.

2010-04-26T22:44:00.003+08:00

1 down, 3 more papers to go. RMIT BBMFT Sem 2.1 students! Gambatte!!

简单。

2010-04-23T00:36:00.002+08:00

如果没有结束，是不是就不会有怀念？
如果不是要走，心中怎么会有思念？
闭上眼睛，轻轻地呼吸，我感受到这一切。
欣赏这一切，留恋将被放弃的全部，
才不会带着遗憾地离开。
面对改变，岂不是每个人都觉得困难的？
无论多厌倦，除非是没有相识过。
不知好坏，不知美丑，不知全部，才不会感受到悲。
但长大了，不能什么都选择不知。
反正，悲欢离合已经是不能缺的了。
我学到了。
好多东西，学到了，却没感到自豪。
因为意义不在了。
但也无所谓了。
让这一切随缘，随风，随时间，简单地过。
不再为难自己，要求完美。
你快乐吗？

Always loved this song. Been listening to it since poly days. Still like it alot now. The best thing is the emotional part of it.

潇洒的走

2010-04-13T22:17:00.002+08:00

A song, obviously not from my generation. But I appreciate it cause I think its nice.

平淡才是真..

2010-04-06T00:45:00.006+08:00

It is the last Finance lecture today. After class, I decided to take a walk to enjoy some time alone as well as to take a look at what I have yet to see in town. Went to PS first and shopped around. Started walking from the Istana to Orchard Central. I have no idea how I ended up on Killiney Road, which I faithfully walked the entire stretch and found myself on River Valley Road. After which, Clarke Quay is on my right side and the Ministry of Info Comm Arts is on my left. I had the audacity to step into the ministry to explore, which was quite rewarding because I found myself staring at all the art pieces in awe.

-Door to Heaven-

-Big Bang: by Joseph McNally

-Fort Canning Park-

When I stepped out of the place, the bus stop was just there and I realised that there is a bus all the way back to Hougang. I happily took it and thus arrived home, safe, sound and at peace.

I swear this whole walking thing was a very spontaneous event. The rule is just to follow whatever my heart told me to do, and to go wherever my heart told me to go. It was very special and amazing because everytime I stopped outside a music store or an art store, something told me to go on in and explore, to see if I liked what I see.

Then there will be my mind telling me, how can I ever be good enough to even speak to the store person? For moments there were voices arguing inside me until the encouraging one finally won. I practically tiptoed into the places and was relieved that nobody actually paid so much attention to me that made me uncomfortable. There were also times I got tired and wanted to give up walking, to just find a cab or a bus and return home. But yet, the bus never came for me and I ended up walking off again. It was like the entire route was already planned for me.

At times like these, I felt so at peace because I was doing what my heart told me to do. Everything felt so positively connected and places seemed to welcome my less than worthy little body and spirit, with that little hope, naivety and stubborn streak. I felt comforted, loved and accepted.

April Shower...

2010-03-27T21:07:00.003+08:00

We have been walking in circles,
never ending, yet not in a beneficial way.
Finally, I walked out of that memory,
and left behind that trail of footprints.

They are free to be demolished off now.
A place where nobody ever visits anymore,
is natural when the wind blows it into dust.
We are all made to remember and forget,
so rather than forcing yourself to hold onto it,
releasing it is perhaps the best form of acceptance,
that it is no longer what it used to be.

It is so funny sometimes,
you feel that as long as you know what you want,
you will get it if you try hard enough.
But someday somehow,
something happened, everything changed,
and you realised that maybe it is better that way,
to just let nature take its place,
run its course, and you get to see so much more,
than when you try so wholeheartedly to reach your aim.

We get so tired at times,
running around in circles, looking and feeling like fools,
manipulated by those around who thinks they know better.
But the truth is, if they knew better,
they won't try to manipulate.
Ironic it is wherever there are humans.
Such a valuable capital and resource but yet can be such a headache.

Anyway, another more month before exams start,
another one and a half more months before holidays are here.
Everything's good, and I will have to spend more time studying.
Work is a joy and I am thankful for it.
Still, I need to balance up many other things,
those that nobody can really help me except for myself.

Worries.

2010-03-15T02:15:00.003+08:00

It will be over soon.
I must focus on what I am doing.
This week will be over soon.
Must not worry.
Must remain positive.
Must do it.

专属天使

2010-03-09T03:04:00.005+08:00

Was crazy over this drama series some years back. Though the craze is now over, I still like this song alot. :)

只要相信就能做得到。
越是艰难，越要熬过。
不要辜负爱你的人，不要放弃。
看到的是美或丑，也只是一个观念。
到头来，意义何在？
重要的是知道自己身在何处，
明白处境如何，了解是非真相。
一定要过得幸福快乐。

INFJ

2010-03-07T02:10:00.005+08:00

Was suddenly intrigued to do this test again. Did it once in Sem 1 for Organisational Behaviour. Now, I'm doing it again. It's really quite interesting.
Those interested, can try it here: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm

Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Time to sleep. Still on medication. Drowsy. I finally can have a goooooood rest.
Good night world.

get me out of here..

2010-02-21T19:52:00.004+08:00

At this point in life, nothing matters more than doing what I can with my studies and my job. Nothing came easy. There were struggles, so much of it. It wasn't written all over my face, but yes, there was. So don't look at me and say, your life is damn good, everything went smoothly, no major setbacks, you are just so lucky.

In a way, yes, I am lucky, my life is good and there wasn't any major setbacks. There's always someone better and someone worse than you. So I won't go to the extreme to say that my life is damn bad. But sure thing, it wasn't as good as you think it is.

I don't care what was done in the past, I don't wish to think so much about what comes in the future, what I really want to do is focus on the present and do all the things that I have to do. At this stage, how much I have lost because of situations that were controlled by other forces and not myself, those that I have missed out because I simply don't wish to assert myself and be proactive.

Why? Why? Why?

Why is it that it is always such a contradiction, such an irony in life? How are you going to fight the world and make your mark when all people tell you is that you don't need to, you are too proud, too uncaring, too whatever rubbish negative shit that you KNOW is NOT TRUE AT ALL? I might as well be a nun if all I have to do is care and love everybody. If nobody wish me to be a nun then why stop me from fighting for what I want and want to be? It is a process of learning and growing that is inevitable.

I am different from her and she is different from me. Don't use the same way or method on me and her, either one's going to fail. Quit putting both of us on competition such as "see, she is better than you" if you want us to love one another. Stop being the damn devil if you want us to be angels. We are two different persons and we have two different lives to lead. Don't attack me if you don't wish me to defend myself against you. I am not dead and I feel, when I don't react there is a reason. Before you see the reason, don't come and jump at me.

Why is there always a need to clarify all these? Isn't it supposed to be understood? We are all different, we are individuals with just a few things in common. We change with time, we meet new people, we face new situations, we learn, we grow, we evolve, we live the cycle again and again, we get better and better at it. Why does it seem that I am the alien here?

Happy CNY~

2010-02-13T21:26:00.003+08:00

I really love the wind of this new year season because it smells really good and every passing gust of wind never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Used to like the rain alot, but I prefer wind these days. Would still love to see snow someday.

I wish to stay on the top of a hill, where there is wind everyday, and I get to see the sun setting every evening...
Someday... when nothing really matters anymore. :)

ANYway, with the cow's year passing off, it is time for the tiger to come pouncing in. LOL. Though it seems to me that there isn't much difference regardless which year is it, I'm just going to wish everyone a Happy Tiger New Year!

May the Tiger pounce upon all good opportunities, roar wonderful news of joy and swallow wholely all pain and misery. Yupppps!

St Michael's prayer

2010-02-09T00:23:00.003+08:00

Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

down.

2010-02-04T01:15:00.002+08:00

Really felt like blogging. But I'm tired. Real tired. It makes me down.
Don't give up. It is coming soon.

school - work - school - work....

2010-02-03T01:00:00.002+08:00

Caught it on cam on my way to work. Noticed it for quite awhile before remembering to slow down and snap it. There is another one, which I suppose is his/her partner. They should have a nice family of 4 beneath the metal 'wall'. I will try to see if I'm able to get a photo of the family.

Been awhile since I last blogged. It has been school, work, sleep, school, work, sleep..... And the cycle just carry on. Have to admit that it is quite tiring at times. But it has its own advantages of course.

Chinese New Year is coming. Not really looking forward to it, because it indicates the numerous datelines and tests that are coming up in school.

Oh yes, one last update before I go. I got my iphone finally~ It's probably the most amazing handphone that I ever got. Not that it is the latest and the newest, but well, I'm so thrilled to get it finally. Am also busy dressing it up, looking for more cases to match my daily mood. How thrilling.

"How do I walk this path Lord, the path that you set my heart upon. How do I walk it well and remain strong? It's not easy Lord, when I don't understand why is my heart set on this path. But I guess that is where faith comes in, where I believe that whatever you put in my way is good for me, no matter how bad it may look. Allow me the will to hold on and always rely on your promises."

what the hell...

2010-01-20T00:59:00.002+08:00

Angry, happy, sad, depressed, angry, happy, sad, depressed, angry, happy, sad, depressed.
Angry, happy, sad, depressed, angry, happy, sad, depressed, angry, happy, sad, depressed.
Angry, happy, sad, depressed, angry, happy, sad, depressed, angry, happy, sad, depressed.

Cycle cycle cycle. Stop stop stop. Sigh. WHY must I be affected?
I wish I were a stone, not subject to any emotions.
Then I do not need to affect others with MY emotions.

Peace and quiet..

2010-01-19T01:24:00.003+08:00

Managed to catch that little fellow on cam while I'm on my way to school. The season is here for them to meet friends.. LOL.

I slept alot during the weekend. It was like recharging an empty battery, preparing for the hectic week again.

At times I wish I could have a magic eraser that can just rub off all the things and memories that I don't wish to think about. Don't you wish you have one too?

bit by bit...

2010-01-12T19:36:00.002+08:00

No need to tell you, what my life is about.
no need to show you, the deepest of my heart.
No need to fathom, what kind of girl I should be,
no need to worry, the least I can be.

It isn't easy to be someone, anyone.
Yet it isn't difficult to condemn someone, anyone.
It is a tedious process,
trying to fight and overcome.

Neither taking the easy way,
nor dreaming of the perfect day.
It is just a chapter,
where the story gets a little sombre.

My life isn't important,
it is just another one of the million.
I wish to live it as it should be,
and let nature run its every turn.

I am who I have to be,
regardless right or wrong, silly and all.
May faith be my guiding star,
that shines a light from afar.

So that in the darkness of fear,
there will be a strength that leads me dear.
I am made of flesh and blood,
like you, and you, and everyone else.

In times of drowning emotions,
may there be love and forgiveness.
In times of anger and confusion,
may there be hope and patience.

In times of happiness,
may there be respect and joy.
In times of excitement and closeness,
may there always be cherish and remembrance.

3 days before school start...

2010-01-03T03:22:00.003+08:00

I know I should be in bed and sleeping now but then... Thought that I should take the opportunity to enjoy some late nights before school start. I will seriously lose all chances of staying up anymore. All habits of late night studying will change too. No more facebooking into the wee hours. My virtual farm and treasure digging will probably be put on halt too. All for the sake of getting back a life that is focused on the real and present moment.

I guess sometimes, there is just the tendency to find a certain habit to hang on to, so that you feel that you are in control of your own life and all. But somehow, after some time, there is a need to let go of that control, to allow new things, routines and better habits to set in. It is difficult to tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with some changes here and there, especially when life just needs to be more stable to be bearable.

I have no idea if I will make it, but I'm going to try anyway. I cannot understand which is the correct theory, but I will place that bet, despite the overwhelming insecurity.

Times have changed. I cannot remember what I lived for a year down the road, neither can I remember what made me happy back then. Everything is just so stagnant for the longest period of time. The inertia that it brought, pulled back all the emotions that could have been so easily shown on the exterior.

...

The innocence is gone, the rose coloured lens are also gone.

Happy 2010~

2010-01-01T11:18:00.002+08:00

I was expecting myself to do this blog post last night, right after the countdown. But apparently, I fell asleep at 9pm and woke up to realise that it's already 2010. Oh well, I missed this year's countdown but I guess it doesn't take away the chance of it being a good year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE OUT THERE!

How about some new year resolutions?

1. Sleep before 12 every night! -difficult leh.
2. Remember to put toner on my face every night.
3. Stop being late.
4. Keep up with revision of all modules every week - no last minute.
5. Practice piano every evening for 1 hour - regardless anyone thinking I am noisy or crazy.
6. Finish both boxes of 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle.
7. Come up with exercise regime.
8. Eat less fats.
9. Stop procrastination to be more motivated.
10. Forget some things, to remember more.

Nostalgic.

2009-12-29T23:56:00.004+08:00

All of a sudden, I felt like listening to these old songs.

hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope

birds.

2009-12-28T01:15:00.004+08:00

The bird in my church's aviary.

Too bad it's inside the cage, or else I'll be able to take a better shot. It'll be a nice object to paint. Nice colors. There are many other light blue birds too.

School's starting soon. Another semester of 3 hour long lectures. Going to be even busier day in and day out. Sometimes I don't even know what do I really need. Do I need more rest or do I need to be busier? How do I stablize all these? How do I make this perspective stay positive for a longer time?

Strength. I need more strength.

Merry Christmas~

2009-12-25T04:38:00.003+08:00

Wish you a merry christmas,
Wish you a merry christmas,
Wish you a merry christmas,
and a happy new year~~~

the queen of heart.

2009-12-20T01:13:00.002+08:00

Lesson #505
You can trap, constrict, control and bind every part of a person, but never the heart. Be straight forward, be true to what your heart tells you and life becomes less complicated.

When it's time, it's time.

Then you will know how to treasure the things around you.
Because it will be where your heart really is.

Physical space.
The heart knows no boundaries but the body does.
Work, stress and other factors makes the body react differently.
Stay close at heart but give the body space to adjust.

Emotional security. You get it when you know that what you want is truly meant for you to keep.
The pillar of strength. You build it within yourself, when you know that the outcome can be positive, as long as you put in effort and thought.
Judgements. Can come and go, can be revised and redrafted. Actions speak louder than words.

I still believe.

2009-12-17T00:11:00.001+08:00

是你决定我的伤心

2009-12-16T00:27:00.001+08:00

Such a nice song. There are actually so many duets that Jes and I can sing together. Amazed!

Thought of the day.

2009-12-12T23:12:00.002+08:00

In the finale:
There's no difference between intelligent and stupid people - Just faster or slower.
There's no difference between right or wrong - Just good or bad.
There's no difference between rich or poor - Just happy or sad.

imprinted.

2009-12-12T00:04:00.004+08:00

It's funny how sometimes beautiful and good memories are like footprints on the sand of the beach. They are so easy to create but yet also so easily destroyed by other elements. Unlike bad experiences and traumatizing events, they seem to stick to our minds like superglue. Life, what a pain in the *toot*.

Anyway, on to something very fun today. Went for the corporate bonding event that was organised. It was fun cooking at Coriander Leaf. Everything taste so good. Some photos to show:

- Opposite Riverside Point -

- The cooking process -

- Our dishes -

- Dinnertime -

-Dessert, personalised by our beloved boss -

- Clarke Quay, Singapore River -

After tonight, I will not peel another BBQ grilled eggplant in front of people again............. LOL.

I got the urge to sketch, but I can't think of an object. Hmmmm....

500th post.

2009-12-09T00:38:00.002+08:00

人，往往有起有落，
路，往往有风有雨。
天，常常有阴有晴，
光，反复有暗有亮。

平淡的生活是种渴望，
风平浪静是等待台风袭击。
等待让人好憔悴，
挣扎让人失神失力。

力量总得从中培养，
跌倒，仍然要爬起来。
坚持让人咬牙切齿，
磨练逼人齐心向上。

未来的日子有多煎熬，
也要默默的，
咬紧牙根，走下去。

Shallow.

2009-12-07T02:36:00.004+08:00

Save yourself first before you try to harm others. Or you will find yourself lost in your own evil, into a path of no return.

what?

2009-12-05T02:58:00.002+08:00

If I've really been clubbing, why should I not tell?
It's the in-thing now, why should I tell such an impossible story?
Faint.

Birthday celebration.

2009-12-01T23:51:00.009+08:00

My birthday update~

On Wednesday, Zhi, Giap and Cher surprised me with a dinner at the top of Mount Sophia. It is a place named Timbre, quite a nice place. I'm fascinated by the fact that Cheryl actually knew there were 189 steps before we reach the top! After that, we headed to East Coast Park's starbucks and they surprised me again!! - with a birthday cake! LOL. I swear I didn't know where we were supposed to go when I waited at the Carrefour entrance!! I'm still waiting for the photos, but I will upload them soon~

On Thursday, met up with Jes for dinner at Whitesands. She went to get me a present too. How sweet. We took neoprints as usual and talked alot. Thanks girl! I enjoyed dinner~

On Friday, David came to my place to use my piano abit. Then we went out to watch the Ninja movie. Was supposed to watch 2012, but due to the full booking all the way from Orchard, we had to watch another show at Tampines instead. But it was quite nice though I got immune to all the false blood after awhile. They obviously look like red paint. And of course, we had dinner at Manpuku before heading home.

- Talllll Xmas Tree at Wisma, pretty! -

- The birthday cake from Manpuku -

-Me with the Xmas Tree! -

On Saturday, went dinner with FJ before going on the Singapore Flyer. It was a memorable 'flight', as they would call it, and the night scenes of Singapore were really beautiful. Given a choice, I will go on it again though it's pretty much a waste of money for many others.

- Me~ -

- Flyer cabin! -

- It's going up -

- And up! -

- Halfway above ground -

- The 'crayon' building behind me -

- Pina Mango from Tony Roma, Nice! -

- My favourite flowers... -

- The gifts I received -

Of course, sunday was dinner with family at Punggol Marina. To that someone who appeared so coincidently at Punggol Marina and wished me happy birthday, thank you but I'm sorry because I don't think I will ever be able to be the way I was before. Life is enough of its own complications and sometimes, certain cut offs are needed to make things simpler. It is perhaps better to be heartless than to leave a string of unending emotions hanging. So although yes it was shocking, but no I wasn't impressed.

I really thank all of you who made the effort to celebrate my birthday with me,as well as all those who sent me birthday greetings from SMS and facebook. It had been a life filled with mad ups and downs, trials and tribulations, happiness and sorrow, entrances and exits, and mostly, mood swings and more mood swings. But I will find the strength to carry on walking this path, no matter where it leads to, and no matter how much the struggle. I hope I will someday completely rid myself of those swings and emerge as a confident and happy person.

Updates.

2009-11-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

Updates coming up...

work work work~

2009-11-22T23:33:00.003+08:00

I realised that it's been 2 weeks since I last blogged. The days seemed to go by so fast. Work is going well, though it's kind of far. I'm glad that they are not that uptight about punctuality due to the fact that everyone is travelling to work from other sides of the country to Jurong everyday.

Anyway, I saw Tse Haw today and I almost could not recognise him. I think my eye sight or memory is failing me. I can actually look at him 3 times before I realise who he is. zzzz.

My birthday is coming up. Despite having the free hotel stay given to me during the D&D lucky draw, I doubt I will be able to go there for my birthday since my parents don't seem to allow. Gonna ask me, at 21 years old women, why the hell are you still not even out of your house for 24hours without your parents? Big baby I am yeah? YEAH. But I'm tired of thinking about it or even complaining about it.

I don't think I will be doing up any celebration either, even though it's like a 21 birthday, which is supposed to be filled with something more extravagant. Somehow, I don't see the point. 21st celebration signifies independence and freedom (which is why the golden key is given), but I don't see any difference in my life, which makes me conclude that putting up a celebration would be pretty pointless.

It's sometimes funny the way people react. When you try your best to be proactive and do something about your life, people like to comment that you are overdoing. When you finally decide to take the back seat so that they will let you know when it is time to do something, people comment that you are not doing anything.

Whatever. I am just tired and it is driving me crazy. See me in Woodbridge someday and you will know the reason why.

I'm tired and going off to bed. I hope next week is going to be a happy week...

sensitivity.

2009-11-09T21:51:00.002+08:00

How to stop being over-sensitive?

1) Bang your head against the wall 3 times.
2) Tell yourself you have no need to.
3) Bang your head against the wall another 3 times.
4) Look yourself in the mirror and clean off the blood on your head.
5) Try to remember what were you thinking of before that?
6) If you can still remember, repeat step 1)

Rahhhhhhh that is a joke. The only way to stop being overly-sensitive is to embrace your sensitivity, stroke yourself in the mind to soothe it and tell it to calm down. When it is acting like a silly compressor squeezing all the problems together, making things seem bigger than it is, you lose your birdeye's view and retreated to a wormhole view, you need to stop being so worked up. STOP!

It sucks big time, but yeah, just have to work around it. Unlike air, one can't compress emotions. Like water, you got to channel it away before it flood the gates.

SIGH.

new blog skin.

2009-11-08T02:00:00.002+08:00

I got a new blogskin again!
I guess the old one died on me again.
Really like the old one a lot,
but I guess it's ok,
because I can take this opportunity to get a new skin. :D

It's been long since I got such a pinkish and girlish blog.
Looks like the darkness had lifted. :D

Been urged to move to livejournal,
but then I can't seem to bear to leave blogger.
It's so familiar and so far, still good to use.

Smile!

holidays.

2009-11-05T01:58:00.003+08:00

Finally, my exams are over.
So far, I've started work with J&J for about one and a half months.
Life's good, job's interesting, time's spent productively, nothing to complain about.

Other than the usual mood swings that I face ever since I can't remember when, everything's fine and I am getting on with life as anybody should.

Right now, I just wish to try my best to live in the present, as much as possible. Life is unpredictable and changes may come like the typhoon or tsunami which make things disappear as fast as it appear.

Nothing in the world is completely certain, completely without risk, completely perfect. So, no matter how hard I think and guess and presume, it won't make anything look any bit safer. And I guess, why not just enjoy the journey while it last? Any bruise or fall suffered along the way, I should believe that I can just wipe them off and get up on my feet again.

Happiness is being free from limitations that boundaries set around you. From people who put you down, make life so difficult for you as trying to stike a balance between overdoing and underdoing. It will be nice if we could just see everyone as valuable, focusing on our strengths and offsetting one's weaknesses with another's strengths.

No matter how bad life is, there will be others' with a worse situation. So just get up and go, when there is a need to. You will know what to do, when the time comes.

-Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come, follow me, and I will give you rest.

busy-ness.

2009-10-29T01:08:00.002+08:00

Choices in life defines our destiny.
There is no room for regrets, and hardly any time for stoppages.

The most important thing is remembering that I gave my best at every phase.
It is funny that I am somehow pushed to move on time and again,
like as if something is telling me not to overstay.

Where will be my final destination?

Good luck to all SIM-RMIT semester 2 students as exams start tomorrow.
Looking forward to 4th Nov as that is my last paper. (:

success.

2009-10-20T03:18:00.001+08:00

I'd rather be a failure at something I love
than a success at something I hate.
-George Burns

"Too many people are stopped in their tracks because they’re told there’s not enough money in a particular field. So, instead they choose to be lawyers or doctors or something else where there’s supposed to be money for your efforts. Too often though the person ends up with that career but not happy. Money cannot bring you happiness. If you follow your passion, the money will come. You will probably be far happier even if you are making less than spending your whole life in a job that does not fulfill you."
-Taken from: http://www.life-with-confidence.com/inner-voice-limiting-beliefs.html

are you sure?

2009-10-19T01:18:00.003+08:00

There are so many things that we thought we are sure about, but at the end of it, how sure can we be?

Things are good, how sure can one be that it is that good?
Things are bad, how sure can one be that it is that bad?
The truth, what is truth when it is told by people,
the truth is what is believed to be.
Trust may help you pass your time in peace and happiness,
but that does not mean that your life is in truthfulness.

At times when you feel that things are not the way it should,
trust allows you to voice it and ask for an answer.
But that does not mean you will definitely get the truth.
So why ask for an answer?

For me, i felt that it is to give a chance for an explanation.
Even if I did not buy what was said,
even if it was a downright lie,
at least I asked.

Through the answers,
I get to know how people twist and turn, omit and misrepresent,
I get to know what makes them do it and why.
Most importantly,
I get to know who they really are.

It may take an entire life,
for you to realise what kind of person your partner/spouse is,
to understand what your parents'/childrens' intentions are,
what is the true colour of your very best friends,
but it is worth it because,
at least you get to know.

Many don't, even after they moved on to another world.

It may be an ugly truth,
but I just have to name it as one of my greatest learning point.
People can never quit deceit.
For good, for bad, it is everywhere.

But the positive thing is,
most are not done out of bad or selfish intentions.
Some are not even any of our business.
It's like walking through a landmine,
taking every cautious step trying not to step on any explosives.
Yet the more you are afraid to step on any,
the more you tend to stomp onto it.

It takes time to put the pieces together,
to understand, reconcile facts and forgive.
God always remind us to "Be merciful even as your Father is merciful (Lk 6:36)",
which can be the most difficult task of all.

Bits and pieces sink into the sub conscious and triggers the reflex whenever something that looks or feels like it.
It's a struggle.
A struggle that could practically kill.
But it is worth it as long as we don't give up.

-O doubting souls, I will draw aside for you the veils of heaven to convince you of God's goodness (Diary of St Faustina, 281).

contradiction.

2009-10-16T01:50:00.003+08:00

One big contradiction in life is that what people may be good in, may not be what they like. It may just be something that was picked up or learnt along the way by force or other weird circumstances. Children especially, can be very impressionable and they pick up unnecessary things, at the wrong time. It reminds me of one movie (forgot the title), where the parents were trying to teach the child how to speak, the child refuse to until somebody shouted "Fuck!" and he picked that word up immediately. Real cute baby.

It can be such a "pain in the ass" (as quoted) when you grow up to realise that it would probably be better off if you do without all these irrelevant skills/knowledge, which happily transformed themselves into emotional stumbling blocks. But I guess there wasn't much choice. Life hands you a lemon and you got to make lemonade out of it, or else, you will thirst to death waiting for what you actually wanted.

I find myself searching and searching for answers for many years of my younger schooling days. Any chance to the library and I will head to the self-help section, trying hard to read works and get answers from people all around the world who wrote books with their personal experiences, their analysis, theories and observances (At that time there was no access to the internet).

I think alot after I read, about how true are those books. Some are good, others normal and on some fateful occasion -like as if God wanted you to pick that book- I find books that hit the nail right in the center. It is like poooooffff, the horizons are widened suddenly, life don't seem so anal, and everything seemed to find its own place without having to even worry. I salute those professors who wrote such accurate findings. They must have put in alot of effort and it really helped me very much.

I will continue reading and gaining more knowledge, because I believe there will be more challenges to come along the way which requires more skills to deal with it. It does not mean that I like it though. Like I say, it's a pain in the ass (as quoted), that I need to deal with, regardless I like it or not. So pardon me if some of my blog postings sound idiotic or crappy or whatever. They are actually only probably 30% of nonsense that I think about.

thank you.

2009-10-15T01:28:00.004+08:00

Whoever that helped me,
whoever that believed in me,
whoever that saw me in my true light and still love me,
whoever that trust my abilities,
whoever that paced me slow and steady,
whoever that did not smirk and insult me,
whoever that encouraged me,
whoever that values me,
whoever that is true and sincere to me,
whoever that did not give up on me...

Thank you very very very much.

I may not have many friends but I know who are the good ones when they come my way. Smile :)

another day,

2009-10-08T02:16:00.002+08:00

Michelle Regina got a message that on this day, God wants you to know that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed.
That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.

Okay God, I will continue whatever I have on hand and see what will life bring me. So now I can stop questioning and just do what I have to do.

It takes a bit of effort to remain happy, but I guess it is very much needed to remain sane.

Look up look up, it's getting better.

When I look into your holiness,
when I gaze into your loveliness,
when all things that surround,
become shadows in the light of you.
I worship you, the reason I live is to worship you.

reflection.

2009-10-06T00:07:00.003+08:00

A beautiful song which I always love:

Something motivating:

Let's all work hard and achieve what we want. Studies, work, all areas of our life.

Met up with Jes today. We talked alot and once again I am reminded of poly days. Time. It sure flies. And I think I've said it so many times.

I'm astounded by the fact that poly days already seem so far away. I wonder to myself sometimes. Have I walked too fast and too far away? Perhaps thinking about the past that will never come back makes me sad and I am really afraid I will just keep feeling sad about it. Thus, I kept pushing myself to move on. And I guess, that is the only thing I can do. However, paths that were once crossed will always be remembered.

I've walked out of that and into a world that is completely different, a place that boundaries are unseen and uncontrolled. Everything seems to lie in my own hands. It is a new found freedom, liberating but yet intimidating.

This is an advertisement that I saw lately that touched me alot. It is so powerful that it makes me want to switch my shampoo brand. Watch it!

Life is such a long process where it takes so much time and effort for one to morph into a butterfly. Yet, it is so breathtaking when the day comes. The video also made me realise that it doesn't matter how much misery you have to go through, how much bullying and how many people try to make things difficult to destroy your efforts. When the time comes for you to shine, it is your time and nobody can stop this phenomenon.

At times, we just needed someone like that, someone who could understand what we are going through, someone who could inspire us to walk down the same path. Little words of wisdom and encouragement can bring forth so much self belief and determination. It is this that is the most valuable in life, where money may not promise and wealth may not give.

Cheers, Pantene.

wedding.

2009-10-05T02:57:00.000+08:00

Wish Kris and Jeffrey a happy marriage.
She look so beautiful tonight but she's becoming a little too skinny.

Time to sleep. YAWN.

blank.

2009-10-03T02:42:00.002+08:00

Blank out. I wish I could just blank out for one moment.
Just DON'T THINK of is going to go wrong next. zzz. Irritating.

healing.

2009-10-02T01:56:00.001+08:00

hope.

2009-10-01T00:06:00.004+08:00

For a day of lesser struggles,
a day where I can walk without feeling so heavy.
But perhaps being heavy is good,
despite all the burdens and baggages.
It makes one more stable.

For a time of lesser pain,
a day where I can breath without feeling the strain.
But perhaps pain is pleasure,
despite all the tears and sorrow.
It makes one more sensible.

For a day of lesser worries,
a day where I can go somewhere without thinking something bad will happen.
But perhaps worry is reality,
despite all the doubts and fears.
It makes one more wary.

mona lisa.

2009-09-30T02:46:00.003+08:00

What about the secretive half smile and gaze?

What more there are 3.
secretive half smileS and gazeS.

YAWNS.

or 4?

smile.

2009-09-29T03:06:00.002+08:00

I'm looking forward to the end of exams.
I hope I can get on with revision.
I hope I can have lesser mood swings.
I hope I can focus on studying and remembering my major and minor scales.

Weeeeeee! Life's making me exclaim in awe at times. And jitter in fear at other times. So what am I to do with myself?

I like the part about dumping into the garbage bin, getting the garbage man to carry it away, then drive to the incinerator to crush everything to pieces and disappearing forever. How about dumping doubts and fears instead? Will it be more useful? But it would probably take a fixed daily garbage man to do the job.

I like polar bears. White furry bears living on snowy cold mountains, grabbing around icebergs and peering into deep, wet holes for fishes. But they are warm to hug.

How random. School tomorrow, night world~

work harder. and harder. and harder.

2009-09-26T02:46:00.003+08:00

I wish I can stop linking.
But I can't! Sigh.

Life's alright lately. Busy though. But getting busy is good for me.

Time to sleep.

when days are back to days.

2009-09-20T23:48:00.002+08:00

So much in my life at the moment, that I can't seem to find the time to blog. Whenever I stare at this blog space, I find myself having a writing block. There is a start of many things and sometimes it is just too early to give a conclusion of what is happening. I don't wish to be complaining all the time about those days where things don't go my way. There are more important things to think about than sit and bore people with all these.

Just not in the reflective mode lately. I just need to keep moving and moving from task to task, so that I can get on with life, to be who I really want to be. There are times where I really did my part to get somewhere, to be proactive and to start pursuing what I really want, but disappointments just keep setting in. Times like this makes me feel that people are totally unreliable or maybe I am really expecting too much.

At this moment, I just wish to do everything on my own even if it takes a longer time to reach where I want to go. That way, situations are more certain and everything becomes more realistic. Being positive don't help at this stage of my life. I need to do something already. God can only give so much of a guidance.

"I'm not giving up, God. You've believed in me and I will not let you down."

new.

2009-09-18T02:08:00.003+08:00

Starting out on a more positive note.

I will stop getting angry and grumpy over unnecessary things.
It makes things even more difficult.
I am hopeful.
I am changing.
I am seeing hope for the future.
I am paving this path.
I am walking it.
I am savoring every bit of pain and pleasure.
I love and hate it at the same time.

Life. On a realistic mode.
I will not suffocate myself to be somebody I am not.
Never never again to go back to the way I were.
It took so many years to realize,
that the more pretense, the more pain, the less willingness to give, the more defense, the more difficult life is.

No more.

justice.

2009-09-13T02:27:00.003+08:00

Some good intentions simply become useless not because a person is negative, but when the person don't see any good in it, or even worse, feels attacked by it. When a person stops trying, it will hit you that everything you have done, is useless after all.

In relationships, regardless project groups, families, BG, whatsoever, we need involvment and we need to be ready to communicate. The moment one window shuts down, problems start to occur.

When we start blaming ourselves for what the hell is happening, guilty pangs all over the place, we try so hard to salvage everything. From means of questions, understanding, observing, relating, putting yourself in each others' shoes... At a certain point in time, it just feels like it is time to throw everything into the sea to drown. I must say that disappointments have the ability to make one very hard hearted.

It is more important to put the right puzzle in the right place. That is the most liberating thing about being alive. Good intentions are really subjective. It sucks to be led on by a person who claims to do things 'for your own good' but yet has totally no consideration for your feelings. It really does suck big time because family members like to do this sort of thing.

Super tired. I just want to sleep now. Another wasted night.

The triumph of right
That day the deaf will hear the words of the book, and delivered from shadow and darkness, the eyes of the blind will see.
-Isaiah 29:18

struggle.

2009-09-12T01:32:00.002+08:00

There are times where even a million words cannot express what is exactly on my mind now. And this is one of those times.

Simply cannot find a basis of explanation, cannot figure out what the hell is going on, cannot conclude what on earth is happening to everything around.

It makes me on one hand, feel the need to find out more, and on the other hand, wish to stop looking and focus on more rewarding things. I am just wasting alot of time. I just don't understand how my mind works sometimes.

It's making me fed up, it's making me want to lose my temper. It's making me tired and bloody moodless to study.

Forget it. I shan't talk about it anymore. Damn all of it. Keeps on spoiling my mood.

significance.

2009-09-09T03:53:00.000+08:00

To overcome all the difficulties and remove all unnecessary significance in life makes everything easier to take on.

The differences are visible, can be felt and can be seen. Don't need to complain or mourn, the past belongs to the past and they no longer exist.

I am who I am today. I appreciate all the pain and nasty situations I've been through, they really made me stronger.

I'm thankful for those who stood by me, and those who make my day from time to time.

I will buck up. :)

a tiresome journey.

2009-09-07T01:25:00.004+08:00

I feel so stagnant right now.
I just want to sleep.
How come it is so energy draining these days to stay energised?
I slept alot but I am still so tired.
Why?

I don't want any way of any kind. They won't work anyway.
Sometimes I really wish this soul can just be liberated from this body.
That I don't need to go through all these processes.
That I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want.
Yet, a whole chain of activities seem to complicate things.

Fed up. I want to fly!!!

surprise, or not?

2009-09-01T21:02:00.001+08:00

Remember the times when you were a child, and liked and were fascinated by the brightly colored balloons that people give out at shopping centers? Until some prankster ran up to you in school and burst a balloon in your face. In that split moment, you were in shock and fear. Some kids would have followed in the footsteps of the balloon and burst - like a faulty engine in a car - into tears.

Then, you learnt that some surprises are not pleasant, even if it is what you always thought to be your favourite. Let that prankster have the benefit of a kind intention, maybe to make you laugh (because he thinks it is funny). However, it does not even matter. You simply do not connect with his idea of humour and will in no way, appreciate his so called "kindness". Probably, you even feel like giving him a punch in his face on the spot.

Choosing the right surprise is as important as choosing the right course to study. Use the wrong strategy and it will make your life a hell more difficult. Feel like a fish out of water? Make life easier, research and find out what makes a person really happy first.

scars of life.

2009-08-25T11:22:00.000+08:00

You won't ever understand how someone really feels until you step into their shoes.

Have you ever looked through the eyes of an animal, trying fiercely to protect its kids?
Have you ever thought of how much the butterfly have to go through, to transform from a caterpillar?
Have you ever wondered how difficult it is for an ant to carry its own brother back to its nest after they died?
Have you ever considered the feelings of others before you throw in your worthless opinions over breaktime gossip?

How about the times when you trample on someone's kindness when you needed to get out of the shit you created?
How about the situations of others when you created lie after lie just to cover your own back?
How about the confidence of a child after you yelled at them over a misunderstanding that never gets resolved?
How about the emotional justice for someone who got the blame simply because you refused to admit that you were in the wrong?

Why not think of the times you or your own loved one suffered from all the pain and injustice?
Why not stop being selfish and claim what is yours and what is not?
Why not stop thinking of your own public image and well being?
Why not simply admit you are in the wrong?

When life shows you how dark the world can be, it just gets increasingly difficult to remain optimistic. You don't even need to experience every single pain, or commit every single wrong, to understand how it feels to be in that situation.

You just have to..
Look them in the eye and watch as they cry.
It's a pain to see somebody crumble and die.
Nobody can put on a pretense when they truly feel the way they feel.
They can lie with the mind, but never with the heart.

Emotions are coping mechanisms for changes in life,
the best one of all, is being happy and alright.
But sadness doesn't mean it is a bad sign,
and tears doesn't mean you are terribly blind.

With rainbows after the passing rain,
and sunshine after the drowning storm,
always look up and dry yourself.
Let wounds transform into scars,
and let scars turn into expressions of life.

MAB test tml..

2009-08-23T21:03:00.000+08:00

Haven't been blogging much because seriously, I've got no mood to blog. The topics in my mind seem to revolve around the same stuff lately and I am sick of thinking about it. Got to get it off my mind and concentrate on studying.

Anyway, new skin again because the previous one seems to be 'expired' already. Well, an opportunity to get a fresh outlook again.

I am yearning for pepsi (with ice cubes and a pinch of salt) and cheese toufu now. :P Sorry coke fans, I've switched to pepsi.

I am sleepy after having dinner. But I have to burn some midnight oil tonight and get management accounting's revision done. YAWN!

Wish me luck for tomorrow's test..... Best of luck to all in RMIT 42nd intake who are taking the test tomorrow.

exemption.

2009-08-19T01:30:00.002+08:00

I finally got my exemption from Marketing Principles approved~

gold

2009-08-14T02:34:00.000+08:00

Gold needs to be mined and it involves a difficult process of discovery.
Human capital is a valuable resource, like gold.
Every human has the property of gold in the depth of their hearts.
We are precious to people who love us.
We are gold to people who believe in us.

Even gold needs constant polishing to remain bright and beautiful.
What makes you think, a person will not be tarnished or dirtied under the harsh conditions of the world?
But that doesn't mean the gold disappeared or was a deceptive pyrite.
It just meant that the gold had lost its shine.

Don't lose faith and keep watching.
Because I am sure someday it will shine again,
or show its rarity and beauty in ways that you can never imagine.

greyness.

2009-08-11T23:55:00.004+08:00

I am dead beat today. *Battery low signal beeping........

A beautiful song. Wonderful voice.

no time.

2009-08-10T23:58:00.003+08:00

You get your intuition back when you make space for it, when you stop the chattering of the rational mind. - Anne Lamott

When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the endless tasks on hand, not knowing where on earth to start, take it one thing at a time, one step at a time. It helps to stay calm and make everything seem less intimidating.

I'm worried. But yet the thing that I am most worried of isn't school work but rather, some other warped images in my mind. It's like getting stuck there, not knowing if they are real or unreal, not knowing if you should dispense them or not.

If they are real, you are at a loss of how to cope with it. If they are false, they don't seem that false. If you dispense them, you wonder what if they are real. If you don't dispense them, you can't concentrate and work. It's the start and end of an idiotic vicious cycle which I can't figure out, where did it start and how to end it.

Fight. One day at a time, one step at a time, one thing at a time.

funny.

2009-08-07T04:18:00.000+08:00

I awoke today feeling fine.
Got nagged by my mum and felt like crap the entire bus journey to school.
Felt like strangling her sometimes.
Went to school sleepyheaded and awoke when the lecturer talked about exchange rates.
Went home feeling like an escaped animal from the zoo, people starring at me for no reason.
Wanted to poke a man with my pencil because he almost slept on me in the bus.
Reached home finally.
Looked in the mirror 5times from head to toe to try to find what are those people starring at.
Can't find anything out of place.
Went to nap for a good 5hour.
Great. My daily variations had increased tenfold. Grr.

Blogskin change.

2009-08-06T02:35:00.001+08:00

After so long, I've finally shed off my old blog skin. This new blogskin is more complicated than my last, but I feel that it looks interesting. Something new. It takes time to put down the past and move on to the future. I guess I never felt the need to let them go before. But now, I think it is time to walk away from that difficult place and go on to create new memories. For the times that I held on so tightly to limting beliefs and all kinds of unnecessary concerns, I have to set myself free now because I am the only one who can.

I am very thankful to a friend who supported me, gave me alot of help and guidance. It took alot of energy off him because I was constantly living in fear, sometimes disturbing him late at night just to ask insignificant questions. There was nothing I could give in return for the care and concern but I can only say thank you so much for being able to understand what I am going through.

And a question came to my mind, is it time for a transformation? To be bold and see myself through another series of change in the hope that something better will be at the end of the dark tunnel? Of course the answer is a resounding yes.

faith.

2009-08-03T20:06:00.000+08:00

Believe and have faith.
Because without it, we will be close to nothing.
Even when life gets so tough you can hardly stand it,
pray and have faith.
All of us have the responsibility to carry our own crosses,
so pick it up and have faith.
Only by having faith that you can have the strength to walk this journey of life,
with that increasingly heavy cross.

Self confidence

2009-07-28T03:15:00.002+08:00

I have my own close friends, normal friends and friends that are deemed dangerous. To the dangerous friends, I will never open my inner self to them, for fear that I will be taken advantage of and hurt. To the normal friends, I can enjoy their company and they may grow to become my close friends who are trustable. To completely admit that I was hurt by a friend is a really difficult thing to do. Because by doing so, I would be admitting how silly I was, to trust him the way I did.

A person who commits wrongs in his life proclaimed that he would never judge others. Everybody judges, regardless how you deny. It is just a natural way of understanding and learning things. When we judge wrongly, we correct our misunderstanding. But we should never say that we don't judge. Humans with feelings will judge. When we commit a wrong, we get judged. When others commit a wrong, we judge. If it is the person we care and love, we judge even more, because their behaviour affects us. Beware of the person who says that he don't judge, because he is lying.

I knew I trusted this person wholeheartedly and he has always been very kind to me. Till now, I have no idea why he was so kind to me. People warn me about him, and ask me to be wary of people who show kindness for no reason. But I believed in him, because he had an inner connection with me -God. We used to talk about God and the different issues that religion would bring. He would always tell me to keep quiet about things. I was a no-secret person, which was both good and bad, while he was the direct opposite. He would teach me to hide things as there was no point in letting others know.

When we asked him about his life, he would always give an answer which simply masks who he is. We believed him. But we all knew that everything was not that simple. When we found out about his deeds, he would disappear from our life. So many things that he would promise, the things that make your life hopeful and peaceful. But yet in reality, there was nothing he could deliver, unless the truth remains hidden from us.

At the very least, at that very point in my life, he could accept me the way I am, and believed in me, or at least pretended to believe in me. He helped me build a large part of my confidence. But right now, thinking back on so many things, I start to wonder if anything he said was true at all. I have no idea what was his true intention, much less his true colours. I have no need to know anyway.

All I know was, I thought he could accept me the way I am, even if I made the worst of all decisions. Because he said he wouldn't judge as he wasn't as perfect himself. I was perhaps a little too sensitive and mind too much about what he thought, having complete faith that he would still look on the positive side. Most stupidly, I had complete trust in his opinion and intention. That was when it stabbed me like a knife. Because of that complete trust and faith, this human was allowed to make me believe that what he said was true. He was able to make me believe that because of my decision, I was the worst person who ever existed in this world.

Everything simply felt unbearable. For months, I couldn't get over it. But I had to live on with my decision because it is not fair to change my mind just because of someone who simply went against me. I believed in my decision and I loved my life very much. Yet, that experience is something that I find difficult to forget.

People always say, don't care about what people think. They told me to be thankful and be positive. I listened and I listened. I thought and thought, very long and hard. I don't know if I should be thankful for his existence and whether I can be positive about the experience, but I know he made me realise how fast a person's attitude and behaviour can change. No matter how much he could have favoured or fancied a person in the past, he can throw them all away in a day.

In time to come, when time brings all these away like a tide in the ocean, I would then come to understand why God wants me to go through all these. The trials and tribulations in life are endless. One person's decisions may sacrifice another person's, but yet, one door closes and another opens. Life is like sitting on a see-saw. Sometimes up, other times down. There are people who gets the up because of your down and others who gets the down because of your up. When the full course is completed, everything is just a zero. All negatives add up to the positives and everything becomes neutral. Is that why, even if so many great men and women die each day, the sun still shines and the world still spins?

In time, I will understand.

Wisdom - the right moment

2009-07-27T03:05:00.000+08:00

Solomon's appeal for divine inspiration

May God grant me to speak as he would wish,
and conceive thoughts worthy of the gifts I have received,
since he is both guide to Wisdom and director of sages;
for we are in his hand, yes, ourselves and our savings,
and all intellectual and all practical knowledge.
He it was who gave me sure knowledge of what exists,
to understand the structure of the world and the action of the elements,
the beginning, end and middle of the times,
the alternation of the solstices and the succession of the seasons,
the cycles of the year and the position of the stars,
the natures of animals and the instincts of wild beasts,
the powers of spirits and human mental processes,
the variety of plants and the medical properties of roots.
And now I understand everything, hidden or visible,
for Wisdom, the designer of all things, has instructed me.

The Book of Wisdom 7:15-21

schoollll...

2009-07-25T02:54:00.003+08:00

It's been more than a week since I last blogged. No worries, I didn't disappear into thin air or something like that. Just been busy lately. Went out with many people in the last 2 weeks.

Met up with JJ and Jes for dinner at Ajisen. It's nice meeting up with JJ after so long. We talked alot and just had a lonnnngggg catch up session. Then, met up with Cindy and Wee Ning as well. I'm still used to calling him Wee Ning though he's already got a christian name. We ate dinner at IKEA and reminiscent alot about the past days in secondary school. Life's funny then, and it's still funny now. I remember that I refused to give back his bag because he refused to show me his chinchilla or something like that. I must have scared the hell out of him. But those days were fun. Where we just yank and bump around like nothing can ever hurt us. These days, it's becoming more fragile and sensitive.

Also, had dinner at Orchard with Fel, Wei and Qi. There were alot of discussions about the future, our ambitions and also, travelling. Everyone seems to be moving on into another phase of our lives. Can't imagine, years ago we were in that same secondary school, mugging for O's, choosing subjects to give up studying and all that sort. We took quite a few photos at the corridor of Heerens. Saw poly peeps at Orchard too. Just so happened that they met up for Elsa's last dinner in Singapore. End up taking photos with them. Was running late for home and mother was like yelling into the phone that night. (-.-")

Then I had dinner with Zhi, Cher and Giap at Cartel. We talked about the time this god bro of mine started running after cute girls. Hahas, don't kill me please. Of course, the memories of Miss Abraham, our discipline mistress and the things they do for the PA system. Schooling was an excitement everyday then. Even if I had to get up at 5am everyday to make my way to reach school before 7am, there wasn't much difficulty getting up most of the time. I didn't have any insomnia too. Life then, was much simpler.

Right now, there are work piling up and assignments that need to be done. I dread studying law I swear. But then, I can't do anything except to try to study. SIGH.

reality

2009-07-14T01:57:00.003+08:00

An issue caused me to think about the topic of education. I used to ask myself when I was much younger, "why study?". We spend so much money, time and effort trying to swallow knowledge that were studied and recorded in books by gurus and educators from the past. Does that make us happier? I used to believe that as long as you are able to make money, education doesn't really matter that much. But lately, so many things seemed to prove my belief wrong.

Without education, some people simply lack the confidence to move out of their comfort zone and get a new job even when the current one is killing them. Without education, people dream of getting rich through fairytale ways, such as stiking toto, having a rich man magically turn up by their side, and many others. Without education, people resort to unorthodox stunts to manipulate and get their way.

I have come to realise the deeper purpose of studying, education and knowledge. Everything aims to make life happier, easier and increases your ability to handle difficulties as a small human in this big world. Some people are more fortunate as they are born with natural talents and abilities that make them well sought after. Some are well endowed wtih a properous family, where everything they need are provided in abundance. The majority of the people like me, are just struggling to keep up with these lucky people, trying means and ways to improve by putting in extra effort and time to do as well.

If we were to have the ability to acquire the knowledge to do the things we want to do, we will not fear the unknown and feel so reluctant to switch jobs even when it is time to. If we feel confident about our own abilities, we will not loathe new jobs as we are sure that we will be able to live up to the challenge. If we feel good and achieved enough for ourselves, we will be willing to share with others around us, the abundance of what we have.

All of that, depends on ourselves. If we do not put in the effort to jump high enough, we will never reach the stars.

Nothing in this world is permanent if I were to think it through. Life itself leads to death and the entire journey is the result. Discouragements received along the way will not really matter in the end. They will just become something like the buzzing of bees.

What matters the most, are you happy with the picture you have painted with your own hands? Because at the end of time, nobody can claim responsibility for that picture except yourself. Life is so unpredictable.

To be realistic, it is still better to rely on myself. Regardless if I ever find a rich husband, I still want to paint my own picture with my very own hands. In times of difficulty, people who cares help, but a help is to be repaid. There is no free meal in the world and it also applies to rich husband cases.

Meet up with RMT peeps.

2009-07-13T04:51:00.006+08:00

Met up with poly mates on Friday. It's the first time we meet up as a group since graduation. We had dinner at Pitstop cafe at Circular Road. The place's pretty cozy and they have really interesting games. The food tastes quite good and are reasonably priced too. Alright, now I sound like I am advertising for them. But hey, it's really nice. =X

- Serene, SiawJin, Me, SiHao and Elsa. Abit blur... -

- We played this travelling game first -

- And then this bell-whacking game -

Didn't manage to catch a photo of the last game (Cloud 9), which is supposed to make us scream while playing it. It's also quite fun although we didn't scream but went great lengths to figure out if we have the cards that were requested.

- Serene and SiawJin -

- SiHao and Elsa -

Friendships come and go with each chapter of our lives. How do we tell, who will stay and who will depart? Nevertheless, I love those days we spent together as a group, despite the occasional arguments over numerous grammar corrections and tinnie stuff. Everyone just wanted the best for the group and that is what I'll always remember. =)

Happened to have dinner at a place near Tanjong Pagar. They have really nice Xiao Long Bao although their service is not exactly what you wished for. Imagine having to wait until all the people are present before you can enter, even if you say your friend is parking the car, or will come later. The owner will give the table to other patrons who have all present. And having to wait if they don't have tables for 2-3pax regardless having tables for 4-5pax. It's a humble place with a bunch of seemingly not very humble seating rules. Some pictures outside the "restaurant".

- A nearby scenary -

- Old buildings -

- Antique windows -

- The meaning of infinity -

I'm supposed to sleep early. Grrrr. Nevermind. Tomorrow I'll start. Kind of sound like some people trying to go on diet? Where they say, "I'll eat now, start dieting tomorrow" and end up saying the same thing the very next day? Hell. Whatever.

Finally, a picture of my beloved dog. No longer a puppy but then, still as adorable or in fact, increasingly adorable!

- "Is somebody gonna give me a hug?" -

what can i do next.

2009-07-09T03:13:00.002+08:00

School has officially started for 2 weeks and from next week onwards, schedules' going to get fuller than before. Sigh. BIG sigh. Alright I know I got to stop complaining and get started with the studying and revising momentum going. I just seem to be losing my focus all over again and not knowing what to do to get it back. Searching doesn't help one bit and the secret is probably to sit down quietly and concentrate. Sigh. BIG sigh. 2 words and you got it, damn sian. Big time.

Alright you got it, my rant, short and sweet.

Lies.

2009-07-07T03:16:00.002+08:00

一切的一切，到底从何开始，又从何结束？
人生总是那么地忽冷忽热，像天气，有时明亮晴朗，有时却乌云密布，风雨交叉。
到底，从何开始？又从何结束？

rest in peace, coursemate.

2009-07-04T02:42:00.005+08:00

Have not spoken to him once in my entire 3 years in poly, although we were in the same course. But I feel sad that someone whom I probably sat behind or infront of in the same lecture halls for the entire 3 years passed on today.

I won't and can't say much because I don't know him well.

I guess I can only pray. Rest in peace.

http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking+News/
Breaking_News_Top_Stories_20090703.html

Eric's birthday.

2009-07-03T01:25:00.004+08:00

Morning lecture today. I didn't sleep last night again because my body clock is still in the reverse state. Prefer the night over day because it is much peaceful and cool.

Met up with Eric and Liling in town today. Liling and I didn't realise that it was his birthday today. Blur!

- The wantan soup -

- The fried rice -

- Spinach with garlic -

- Xiao Long Bao -

- Drunken Chicken -

- Whose BIG bowl of noodles??? =P -

- Liling with the peace sign~ -

- Eric -

Happy birthday Eric~ It is nice meeting the both of them after so long. Reminds me of days in workshop. I would always stop at 2 points in my memory. The first one is watching Ice Age on the VDUs. The other is the tangled wires that Alvin Kwah got me to entangle, and of course what he said when I grumbled.

"If your life becomes like that mess over there, you will need the same determination and patience to fix it."

Really funny to think back sometimes, and it's sweet to remember the silly girl I was back then.

Had Marketing lecture yesterday and Macroecons today. I sat in the lecture hall, listening to every bit of what the lecturer said as if I returned to poly. The all so familiar examples of Macdonalds and Starbucks.. Can't help missing poly days.

Time and tide waits for no one and as econs lecture said today, time is a scarce resource. It is something that everyone fight to have more, but yet no amount of money will be able to buy it. But that probably is good in a way, because it made memories valuable and precious to us.

As I move on into this second semester of uni life, I think it is time I take on my roles and be stronger emotionally to handle larger things in life. For the things that I can do, I no longer wish to pretend I cannot because it is socially unacceptable. For the things that I can't do, I will make a decision to learn or not to learn instead of sitting on the fence. It is time to straighten that tangle out of the mess.

yet another week.

2009-06-30T02:36:00.002+08:00

Well, it's been another week. I am done with having no lappie. It was finally discharged from Sony hospital at Wisma. Made trips with my mum down to town and shopped around. It was a normal week even though it feels weird to be without the internet and such.

Finally, it is time to get back to school and work my brain cells. Dread the long journey though. I hope I will be able to cope with this semester's modules.

I want to be happy for a longer period of time, can I?

letting go of the past.

2009-06-19T02:01:00.002+08:00

I have no idea why he has to continue pursuing me like nobody's business. I have no idea why he keeps disturbing my family and friends with nonsense and bullshit. Isn't it clear that I am already gone? Was this one year still a state of denial for him?

People grow up and people learn, that when others leave you alone, avoid you or reject you, it is time to stop pursuing. Whatever the reason is, it is not important anymore. Just got to take it from the next step onwards, on your very own. I don't wish to shout, I don't wish to scream, I don't wish to yell at anyone and I don't wish to lose my temper. Life goes on regardless what happens. I certainly don't wish to have to resort to the ugliest stance.

It is not worth it, to do all kinds of nonsense for somebody who don't appreciate you at all. I am not appreciating anything from him. Say that I am heartless, whatever it is. The relationship is over and so it is! Call me a bitch and whatsoever you like. Since you can call me all that kind of names, why don't you just get a life and get a better person instead of saying all kinds of rubbish?

I am not going to continue trying to be a nice person, keeping quiet and letting you trample over my peace and serenity. I have no regards for people who think they are the "only different man in the world" and try to push their luck. Come on, wake up!

Somebody told me this lately which I finally agree. There is no point in being a nice person because nobody appreciates and remembers. I guess, that is how the world works. Don't expect anyone to sympathise with you unless they are people who really care and love you. It is better to really be who you are, do the things that you think would maximise life.

Most importantly, love yourself. Nobody will love you if you can't love yourself. You can't love anybody unless you learnt how to love yourself and make yourself happy.

piano

2009-06-16T22:30:00.012+08:00

Below is a song that I like. Practiced many times but still, can see that it is not perfect. Pardon my messy hair hahaha. Anyway, I am still practicing more. I hope I won't be stressed when I do ABRSM grade 3 next year. Hope to persevere and carry on. Wish me luck in making a childhood dream come true. :)

La Donna E Mobile

Another attempt at the same song.

Updates.

2009-06-15T04:24:00.008+08:00

Met up with Alex last week. I think it is abit too late to blog now. But sure, we enjoyed dinner at Tampines one, so I think it is really worth mentioning. We hardly meet out since secondary school days. The last time would probably be during MI days some 5 years back. Talked alot and shared alot of updates with each other. Moreover, I'm glad we met up. Pictures are on my fb account.

Set out for a run on one of the monday mornings. Not because I deliberately resumed a healthy lifestyle but rather, I could not fall asleep at night, thus simply continue being awake until the next night. Despite being awake the whole night, I still had the energy to run from my place to some far side of Punggol and back. Went out shopping at The Central and then came back home and went out for dinner again. Seriously, I can really do alot of things if I don't sleep. I took some pictures of the scenery around Central. In fact I took some pictures of Punggol too. Things look beautiful when you really take the time off to appreciate them.

- The gravel on which I rested on after my jog (edited pic) -

- The motorcyclist just happen to bypass haha -

- Onlooking Sengkang -

- Nice roundabout -

- The roadside -

- Colourful building -

- Nice boat. If only I could have a closer shot -

- I didn't wanna include that man in my view, but then.. -

- A view from Clarke Quay -

- Water, how I wish I could do something to show its clarity and that soothing sensation -

- A beautiful piece of sky -

- The Merchants 7 of them -

- The long interior of Central -

- The opposite side of Central against the blue blue sky -

- Swissotel, it looks beautiful -

Yep, that's about all. I spent the last few hours watching vids on Youtube about kids that are so talented that they could have their first music performance in auditoriums and such. I wonder to myself, when will I ever achieve such a feat? Perhaps never, but well, it's always nice to have a little dream. But I have to admit that they motivate me because they helped to let me know that I can always do better than what I am.

I can be my own motivator, my own cheerleader, my own guide and leader instead of relying on others for their approval and all that crap that makes me feel like a complete beggar. Come on man, I lead my own life, I sing my own song, I play my own tune!

Anyway, school's starting real soon. I hope i get my exemptionnnnnnnn!!

Fear of Intimacy

2009-06-12T04:29:00.003+08:00

Lazy to blog lately. Just something to show, which I think is really good. Many updates coming up.

Fear of Intimacy by Margaret, Paul Ph.D.

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection – of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.

Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors – from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn’t know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others’ love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection – it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another’s demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

-Incomplete article, from Editorials section of street directory.com

(http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7885/
self_improvement_and_motivation/fear_of_intimacy.html)

Chinese poetry.

2009-06-07T04:22:00.008+08:00

华文太久没用了，已经快生锈了。是时候再磨练一般。

上面的雪一定覺得冷。
輕盈地依偎著冰冷的月光。

底部的雪一定覺得沉重。
負荷成百人的重量。

中間的雪一定覺得孤單。
它既看不見天也看不見地。

- 雪《金子美鈴》 -

偶然间在网上找到《金子美铃》写的这个诗，觉得挺有意思的。所以就把它放上部落格。
我喜欢诗词。句子又短又简单，确可以表达深厚浓郁的情感。

以往不爱学中文，因为觉得很难学。天天不是听写就是造句，要不就是课文朗读。烦都快烦死人了。但是到了中学第二年，一个老师让我对中文的印象完全改变了。老师的大名就是《陈美美》。她跟我一样，有个特别引人注目的名字。

在上第一堂课时，她就是觉得我的名字特别“好听”，所以第一个就叫我替她分作业。起初非常害怕，因为陈老师的样貌让我觉得她是一个很凶的人物。但久而久之，我体会到什么叫‘人不可貌相，海水不可斗量’。

记得升上中四那年，学校把三个班级混合起来，然后再以华文水准重新分配三个华文班。好不容易才把我的华文教好的陈老师确被分去教第三班。我也因此不能继续留在陈老师的班。但是老师对我很好，每当有笔记或是什么能对我学习华文有帮助的，都会多印一份给我。其它老师总以为第一班的学生就是聪明过人，不必再付出心思去多教一点。只有我自己心里明白，我不是什么多才生，也不是属于天生智商高才有好的华文成绩，而是在一个好老师的鼓励下，努力向上，成绩才会突飞猛进。

毕业后，老师还是鼓励我要续读华文。她甚至希望我能进初级学院。因为只有在初级学院我才能继续修读华文。但是我并没有听取她的话。到了理工学院就读商业科。虽然是我的兴趣，但是偶尔还会想念上华文课的感觉。那是在我读书生涯，唯一让我感到有信心的科目。

华文是一种艺术，是一种表达情感的言语。
它是一种美德，能让会欣赏的人叹为观止。
华文是一个习惯，多用既有，少用既无。
在丝丝相关的词汇里，找寻更多的词语，好让自己更准确，更实在地表达心里想诉说的话。

美人不只美于肤浅的容颜，而是美在渗入心灵思想里的魅力神彩。
快乐不是勇追不舍的态度，而是松手让步，大方地谅解。
我觉得最值得记在脑里的一句成语就是：知足常乐。
也只有自己有资格写下幸福快乐的定义。

陈老师！我不会放弃华文的！

results are out.

2009-06-05T02:28:00.002+08:00

My results are out and they are kind of what I expected them to be. Not too good, not bad either. I should be happy with what I got: 1 D, 1 Cr and 1 Pa. The Pa belong to Statistics. Grrr. Hoping to be able to opt out of Marketing Principles module for next semester to save money and time. It will also allow me to have more time to focus on studying the other 3 modules.

I need to start organising my room, files and all that stuff to prepare for the start of next semester. Phew. Another hectic 4 months coming soon. I desperately need to change my sleeping time back to normal but i really hate to do so. Yet another conflicting aspect of my life. What's new?

Daddy's day soon.

2009-06-04T01:19:00.002+08:00

Father's day is coming soon. Went out with my sis yesterday to hunt for two-pocket collared shirts. My dad's really particular about certain things.

1. He never wears t-shirts/polo tees - because they mess up his hair.
2. He only wears two-pocketed collared shirts - because one pocket is not enough for all his stuff.
3. He don't like to use fat pens - because can't get a good grip.

So, it was not easy trying to find him new shirts. Most places in Singapore don't carry two-pocketed ones. We went to ang mo kio to look for tailors and then went down to Pennisula Plaza as well. Went to play pool at IOI building for awhile before going back to ang mo kio for dinner with my sister and her colleagues. Don't really know them, but I think they are interesting peeps after listening to some of the experiences and thoughts that they share.

Anyway, we didn't get any tailored shirts in the end because my mum got the shirts elsewhere already.

I reformated my lappie and now it seems to be working fine. I am going to wait and see if anything happens after I use MSN. Or is it some other incompatible programs? I need the chinese writing program though. Sigh. I'm sleepy but I don't want to sleep. What's with me? =.=

Release myself.

2009-06-01T03:13:00.002+08:00

My computer is kind of down lately, shutting down on me, probably due to some programmes that were not compatible. Anyway, I uninstalled them already. So far, it is still working well. I hope there aren't anymore problems.

Met up with David lately for dinner and a movie. Watched Monsters and Aliens, it was quite a nice show.

And today is sister's birthday. We went shopping after church and got alot of stuff. It was a very fruitful day though I was pretty sleepy. But I feel really happy at the end of the day. We don't get to go out together as a family all the time, and so, all the more I will try to treasure the time spent together.

One more thing, I curled my hair! It's the first time I go to the salon to have my hair curled. The last time was back in poly year 2 I think. Even so, my mum permed it for me. So after all the tips and instructions during the 4 hour procedure, I felt so glad that I've finally got a change of hairstyle. It sure feels different from the sleek and straight effect of rebonding, but I kind of like it.

Yawn. I'm really tired. Going to sleep. Good night world. It's rare to hear me say that I'm tired at 3.30am. But I really am. Yawns..

learning.

2009-05-25T04:01:00.003+08:00

Met up with William yesterday. It's been ages since we last met and had a meal together. I believe the last time was probably 5 years ago or something like that. Remember those days where I still lived in Bedok, we used to study together under the void deck for 3 hours everyday after school. As we had the same chinese language teacher, we could help each other out with the work (such as 造句 and 听写). He was the one that smuggled me out to Suntec on one occasion. Yeah, I still remember that after so many years (like maybe 6 or 7 years ago). It's still funny to remember those times.

Anyway, it's going to be another more month before school starts. My results are coming out soon. I hope they will be okay. Meeting up with more peeps next week too.

I saw a nice quote on one occasion: "When you miss a shot, never think of what you did wrong, take the next shot thinking of what you must do right." I have no idea from whom or where it originated from, but I think it is quite true because, if one keeps on thinking of what was done wrong, it is for sure the next shot will also be missed. How many opportunities can we afford to miss in a lifetime?

When I find that I don't have the strength to do or change certain things, I can only rely on the environment. I guess, it's better than sulking over what I can't do. I accept it. Of course, I am still waiting for opportunities and not losing hope.

Selfishness, it is in everyone. Nobody wants to be deprived of what they deserve. When you put in alot of effort in something that you do, say studying, it is only natural that you hope to get the grades that you expect. It is difficult for anyone to say, "it's okay lah, I don't mind getting such lousy grades even though I study damn hard."

But there are so many life situations that is a downfall because of selfishness. It becomes too complicated or impossible to measure how much effort have been put into any situation. That is when a compromise or sacrifice on one side has to be made. It does not mean the one giving in is the weaker party. It just means that the one hopes for a better solution in time.

strength.

2009-05-20T01:57:00.002+08:00

It's weird how people always associate heartaches with boy-girl relationships. Losing a loved one may mean losing a close friend, somebody close enough to your heart but yet not necessary have to be a boy-girl kind of thing.

It's weird how people are always intrigued by one's relationship status. Makes the term "it's complicated" even more complicated. Anyway, I am not going to say much until a definite situation comes. Never liked people going around telling things that are not definite because people seriously have overactive imaginations. One thing's for sure, I am not going back into any past relationships.

I might be a boring person because I don't want to probe into other people's relationships and whatsoever drama in their lives. I might not be able to tell stories of whoever and ever about their new love or breakup. I might not ask how is your life with a particular guy or girl. But that don't mean I don't care or aren't interested these days.

I still look for happiness these days. If being complicated makes me happy, I will happily remain complicated. =D